Genderwibbles

Some self-absorbed statements about gender:

1. I have discovered that I feel most anchored in my body and birth gender when I am entirely happy and content; when I am in a depressive patch, that’s when I feel like it’s just a flesh-tube which carries me, and the idea of womanhood feels really far away.

1b. I am constantly in a depressive patch.

1c. “You’re not dissassociating from your body because you are depressed, you are depressed because your body is wrong” is an alternative to my interpretation of this, albeit a really scary one.

2. I am trying to not poke my genderwibbles with any kind of stick, because I am worried where they may lead. There’s nout wrong with being trans, but it is manifestly difficult, and if I get any choice in the matter I want to stay on the cissexual side of it – purely for coincidence. A non-dysphoric afab GQ person has a fuckton of privilege over pretty much anyone else under the umbrella – I’m not going to leave that lightly.

3. This post by janitorqueer is the most, most envy-making thing I have ever read. I’ve been in a state of despair for coming up to ten years. My brain chemistry is just screwed up in some way. The idea that there could be a chemical which would fix that nebulous misery is the most tantalising thing. I don’t think it is T I need, but I wish there was something.

4. But last night I was unable to sleep for gender-based unhappiness.

4b. But maybe I am just needing a new thing to worry about. I worry about everything.

5. I don’t buy the born-this-wayness, for me at least. I think my brain got screwed up in the crucible of teenagerhood, and in the absence of words and concepts I needed. But I know lots of queers go through this process, and come out the other side as sane cis lesbians, so maybe I was born-this-way and I am creating a false etymology for my feelings. The only model for folk who liked ladies were men and lo! I “became” one in what I watched; thank you male gaze. Either a straight man or a gay man, it flip-flopped a bit, but the point is – if there had been more “female gaze” films where women are staring at men or at women, would my gender feel more straightforward?

5b. In any case, there’s no way of knowing for sure, so I don’t think it’s worth worrying about. Time cannot be turned back.

6.

I know why biphobia is a thing, because monosexual people confuse me. As someone who has no fixed gender identity, nor is gender a factor in who I fancy. Getting rejected by people who don’t like ladies feels like getting rejected because I keep pet spiders in my bedroom. My brain goes huhhh, because intellectually I can see why “spiders in the bedroom” could be a dealbreaker for some people, but at the same time – I don’t have pet spiders, or any pets at all. I think I understand how people could not like an entire gender – given that there are so many unique gender expressions…and types of gendered bodies…and no, I guess I don’t understand, but let’s pretend I do. I understand that people have preferences – I have preferences about the types of folk I date – and I suppose it makes sense that these could run along gender lines. But when that applies to me, I feel very un-anchored, because I feel like “none of the above”. My internal sense of self morphs into whatever that person wants.

One thought on “Genderwibbles

  1. janitorqueer says:

    I hope you come across that thing (whether it’s a psychotropic medication, hormones, or other) that you need. There’s gotta be something out there! It took me a really long time to get there…

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